"Reflection"
Stacy, 21
Major Depressive Disorder
For
the longest time,
I could not comprehend
Why I stared back at my reflection.
I
stared for so long
My face did not make sense.
'Twas proof of my own
imperfection.
'Til one day I realized
It was not my face
I was staring
at all of this time.
My eyes but the means
To look into my soul--
This
discovery truly sublime.
Who was this person
Staring back at me?
All
this time was I living a lie?
Kept asking myself
Where my life was headed,
And
perhaps more importantly, Why?
I was quite aware
Of the hunger within
That
I knew not how to satisfy.
What did my soul want?
What would make it
complete?
Questions I needed to clarify.
And then it hit me.
My insistent
hunger
Was not in search of a gourmet meal.
Just ingredients--
No cookbook
recipe.
Experience, the only ideal.
There before my eyes,
Mirror now
a window,
Seeing my true self, I was flattered.
Where once I was lost,
I
have come to learn that
'Twas the journey, not end, that mattered.
For
the longest time,
I could not comprehend
Why I stared back at my reflection.
But
now I see
That it's meant to be
Not an answer, but a question.
Was it difficult coming to terms with your diagnosis?
��I did not want to think I had
a mental illness...I did not want to think I was crazy. But
I finally accepted it, and I realized I wasn�t crazy, just a little
unwell.�
Chris, 31
Bipolar I Disorder
�I used to believe 'mentally
ill' applied only to conditions far worse than what I was experiencing.
The thought of �mental illness� used to bring to my mind images of
babbling incoherently, drooling, involuntary hospitalization, serious
drugs with serious side effects, homelessness and on and on.
You know, the basic
�Buffy,� 29
Bipolar II Disorder, ADHD
�Well, at first it was easy because I didn't know what was wrong with me, so when a doctor finally came up with the diagnosis I was relieved to finally figure out what was wrong. But after the initial relief, I'm still coming to terms with the fact that this will affect me forever.�
Taylor, 21
Bipolar II Disorder
"Completely difficult. I did not know that 'Bipolar' existed, nevermind that I now have a serious, debilitating disease for the rest of my life."
Sue, 46
Bipolar II Disorder, Rapid Cycler
�I was 34 or 35 when I was diagnosed, and it was such a relief to finally have a word to describe why I had acted the way I had for so many years. It helped me to research and learn and understand better how to use
coping skills and the like.�
Ted,
40
Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, OCD
�When I read the formal definitions
and criteria of Bipolar Disorder, I found that BP II was the story
of my life. It fit like a glove. The psychiatrist I finally
settled on amended that to Bipolar Disorder, Ultradian Cycler, NOS. It was a relief in several ways. I realized that, contrary
to being weak-willed and having a kinked personality, I was actually
very strong to have fought the illness so successfully for so long.�
Levi, 53
Ultraradian Cycling Bipolar Disorder NOS
Bipolar I Disorder
How would you describe the experience of depression?
�Depression is like being a prisoner�of my mind. I�m locked in and can�t get out. I dwell on one bad thought or bad experience until it eats away at me. I can�t get rid of my misery without self-harm.�
Katie, 23
Bipolar I Disorder
�It feels like being trapped in my mind with
no escape, with all of the problems of the world on my shoulders.
I can't make the simplest of decisions (color of new couch pillows).
I can't get motivated to shower, dress, leave the house, do housework,
or any of the 'normal' things people do as a matter of everyday living.
It is a very, very painful individual experience in my opinion�[W]e
are all trapped in our individual �hells�.�
Sue, 46
Bipolar II Disorder, Rapid Cycler
"It's a feeling deep inside that makes me believe the world is coming to an end, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I get fatigued to the point that just lifting my head off the pillow is like trying to lift the Empire State Building."
Karen, 45
Bipolar Disorder, Alcohol/Drug Addiction
�It's like you are
inside a grey storm cloud; your movements are slower, and your thinking
is blurred.�
Linda, 43
Bipolar II Disorder
�I would describe depression
as equivalent to Vincent VanGogh's course and violent brush strokes.�
Kevin,
42
Bipolar II Disorder
�It is like a very heavy black sadness throughout the body that wont go away�I start off feeling acutely anxious where my stomach and head also physically hurt. I eventually develop thoughts of suicide, sometimes this is preceded by self-harm; deep cuts to the body. This holds off the planning of suicide.�
Bernie, 46
Bipolar Disorder
"[A]...veil of doom and gloom that surrounds me
like a dark fog, obscuring any light of hope from my vision, making
things seem unbearable.�
Capt. Rich, 40
Bipolar II Disorder
�At
the worst stage, I feel like I�m being roasted over the open fire
of loss��
Levi, 53
Ultraradian Cycling Bipolar Disorder NOS
�With
depression, you feel as if a silent, smothering, insidious, invisible
cancer is rotting and/or eating
away at your brain and all its functions.
With extreme depression, suicide is nothing more than a logical, sensible
solution to the despair.�
�Buffy,� 29
Bipolar II Disorder, ADHD
�It is discomfort of the highest degree because you are so hopeless and really just have no idea what to do with yourself.�
Taylor, 21
Bipolar
II Disorder
�Depression is by far the most painful thing I�ve
ever had to endure in my life! Some people describe it using
dark colors (like blues and blacks), but for me, it�s quite the opposite. The way I envision it, my entire being is engulfed in an intense fireball
of negative energy, with the weight of a thousand bricks compressing
my body from every conceivable angle. My brain is screaming,
�Get me out of this hell,� but all I can do is curl up in a ball and
close myself off from the world. I no longer live life; I merely
exist.�
Stacy, 21
Major Depressive Disorder
�Depression--the cloud that makes me hate my reflection in the mirror, the tiny demon on my shoulder that won�t let me leave my house, the nagging little voice that tells me
nothing I ever do is good enough.�
Ted, 40
Bipolar Disorder, PTSD,
OCD
How would you describe the experience of (hypo)mania?
�Such
joy. If I could bottle it, I would make a fortune.�
Anthony,
40
Bipolar Affective Disorder, with rapid cycling and mixed states
�Exaggerated sense of well being, optimistic and over happy�Grand ideas that I can write a masterpiece in a book or poetry. If challenged about actions, can get aggressive in speech and actions. Do not physically hurt anyone. Believe life is easier than it is and get very confused if plans fail.�
Bernie, 46
Bipolar Disorder
�People hear me talk in sentences (sometimes
forgetting my point in the middle of a story), however
what is actually
going on in my mind is a complete paragraph. I start with my initial
thought, but think 1,000 things before the end of a simple sentence.
The people I talk to only hear the beginning and
end of my thoughts.�
Sue,
46
Bipolar II Disorder, Rapid Cycler
�Mania is like being on the grand prix race track�going in circles at 200 mph. My head just goes and goes from one thought to another and back again--never getting to an end or resolution of any thought. I multitask without completing a single thing. For some reason, [my friends] seem to get tired and need sleep between long nights; I just keep going.�
Katie, 23
Bipolar I Disorder
�I know I am hypo when [I] want to spend large amounts
of money or [when] I get a wild notion to do something I wouldn�t
normally do--like knock out a wall to make another room in my house. It�s a feeling of excitement and anxiousness.�
Linda, 43
Bipolar II
Disorder
�Great, usually! Tons of energy, some racing thoughts, feelings of happiness and excitement, I become very efficient and tend to clean and organize a lot of things. But sometimes it's a more agitated state where I can't sit still and I'm not sure what to do with myself because I can't calm down.�
Taylor, 21
Bipolar II
Disorder
�It literally is like having 10,000 people (in my head)
telling me different things all at the same time but not quite loud
enough to tell what any one of them are saying. Or another explanation
is �crowd noise,� like being in a sports arena with everyone jabbering
to everyone else. The voices can get so loud and yet I can�t decipher
any of them...In many ways the mania is cool. When manic, I feel invincible.
I see no negative consequence for my behavior. In fact, I feel and
believe I can conquer the world. I become superwoman personified.�
Karen,
45
Bipolar Disorder, Alcohol/Drug Addiction
How did you talk to your child about
mood disorders?
�To
my child, [I explained that] �Daddy has an illness. It is a
chemical imbalance in his brain. It sometimes makes him sad
or angry�it is not your fault. There are legal drugs that daddy
can get from a special doctor.� Then I fielded her questions and tried
to answer them as honestly and openly as I could. Because she
had a lot of mature questions, I made an appointment with a therapist�and
the three of us sat down together and discussed the illness. This was upsetting to my daughter at first, but helped her to deal
with it in the long run.�
Wife of Bipolar (Schizoaffective) Individual,
49
"Rx Alien"
Levi, 53
Ultraradian Cycling Bipolar Disorder NOS
A tough row to hoe.
If I told you my story,
Would
you then know,
my origin is not a laboratory?
This creature both
brilliant
And without common sense,
Acute, over-sensitive, not
resilient,
Using silence, verbosity in making defense.
Now up,
it's then down,
In the middle but rarely.
Lumped in with the clowns,
Abortively
known, but only just barely.
When the passion, the outrage,
You
sense are too strong,
And aren't explained by an adage,
Do you ask,
"Is something wrong?"
Or giggle and steer clear,
Or in caution
draw back,
Behind a smirk and a leer.
Is this creature an object from the sinister
black?
It walks like a duck,
And
talks as it were.
But no matter it's pluck
Still shunned by the mass because it
seems queer.
"Like us! No, really
not.
Odd feeling it gives,
Like a whiff of the rot.
But for grace and good fortune it could be
our lot."
No seat
at your table,
No bed, not a loft.
Are you unable?
To know kin and kith
in spite of the label.
If I told you my story,
would you then
know?
How has this disorder affected your ability to work or attend class?
�I worked
for years and years. Unfortunately about every two years, I'd
flake out and end up in rehab or psych wards. Because of this
happening over and over, even the company that believed in helping
their employees got tired of me. I've been [on] disability since.
I know that I could return to work and do quite well at times.
But who wants to pay for an employee that has to stay home a week
out of every two or three months?. Who'd pay for that?!�
Karen,
45
Bipolar Disorder, Alcohol/Drug Addiction
�I have quit jobs
impulsively, been fired, taken too many sick/personal days, and on
and on. But other jobs have loved my enthusiasm and (sometimes)
willingness to work very hard. So experiences haven't been all
negative. I had to drop out of grad school for a couple semesters,
but I was determined to go back and make it right. Now I'm back
in, closer to finishing my master's degree, and doing pretty well.
I have learned through experience that I just have to cut down on
sick days for the sake of taking off whenever I felt like it...�
�Buffy,�
29
Bipolar II Disorder, ADHD
�When I was depressed, I barely went to classes. And if I did, I was always late because it was torture to get out of bed. If I was manic, I never got my homework done because I couldn�t sit still long enough to do it�[S]tudying for a test was nearly impossible. However, when I was stable, everything worked out just fine. I got to classes on time and had all my homework done.�
Katie, 23
Bipolar I Disorder
�If it wasn�t for the fact I work in my family business, I would not be employable.�
Capt. Rich, 40
Bipolar II Disorder
�It didn�t
affect my work until 5 years after my diagnosis. I developed
anxiety attacks and had to quit
my job. Now, after attending
an IOP (intensive outpatient program) for 7 months and�a medication
adjustment, I am stable again�[I] returned to work in may 2003 part-time,
and in 2005, I started a
full-time job. My psychiatrist thought
I may never be able to return to work full-time after my episode in
2001, [so] I am proud to be able to get back to work after much therapy
and taking my medications.�
Chris, 31
Bipolar I Disorder
"Depression has given me reason to
re-evaluate where my life is headed. People say, �Oh, it�s so terrible that you have to go through this at such a young age,' but I�d rather it be sooner than later, because once something kicks in, I�ll have the rest of my life to benefit from this poignant experience."
